Poetry (nonmonetized)
If emails were honest
Poems I wrote in quarantine, part 1.
I hope this email finds you well.
By which I mean, at the bottom of one,
having fallen down there on a pleasant walk through the countryside,
now knee-deep in dank, stagnant water,
calling out piteously for someone, somewhere to come rescue you.
I hope this email find you in good spirits!
By which I mean something aged in a sherry cask,
perhaps a good Bushmills or Tullamore Dew,
though I’d settle for a Jameson’s, if that’s to your taste.
I hope this email finds you enjoying the sunshine in a wide-brimmed hat,
with a glass of wine on a covered porch,
within smelling distance of some blooming lilacs,
and your children playing quietly on the lawn.
I hope this email finds you hungover,
with your head resting on the toilet seat your roommate was supposed to clean, but didn’t,
contemplating your most recent mistakes.
I hope this email finds you soaking in the bath,
decadently fragrant and toes shriveled up like prunes.
I hope this email finds you dead or dying.
I’ll take whichever I can get.
I hope this email finds you in front of a cozy fireplace,
curled up with a good book,
and I hope reading it makes you smile.
I hope this email finds you on vacation,
on a beach somewhere warm,
just so I can bother you during your time off with this “urgent” request
that could have waited until Monday.
I hope this email finds you after supper with a full belly,
and makes you sick to your stomach.
I hope this email never finds you.
I hope this email finds you up shit’s creek without a paddle,
in a leaky old canoe.
I hope this email finds you at your desk,
so I don’t interrupt your dinner.
I hope this email finds you just in time to be helpful.
I hope this email finds you five minutes too late.
I hope this email is a light at the end of your long, dark tunnel.
I hope this email finds you in pain.
I hope it makes you regret hurting me.
I hope this email finds you watching porn.
I just think that would be kind of funny.
I hope this email finds you eventually, but not today.
I hope to never have to email you.
I hope you actually read this email;
I spent forever composing it,
considering every word very carefully,
so as to give off the best possible impression.
I hope this email finds you in a good mood,
and I hope this email doesn’t spoil it.
I hope this email finds you in a really good mood,
just so I might be the one to spoil it.
I hope this email makes your day.
I hope this email ends up in your spam folder.
I hope this email makes you remember that I existed, once.
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Never miss a story by subscribing to my Medium via email. Looking for more like this? Check out my personal nonfiction, nonfiction journalism and longform fiction. I do not monetize poetry or flash fiction. My novels are temporarily out of print; find out why in my article, “The Dreamspinner Press Controversy.” You can also find me on Twitter or like my public Facebook page.
